He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
