I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Randomize
