i would one night stand the shit outta him
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Just pee around me
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
