I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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