i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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