If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
