So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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