Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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