i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize