I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
