There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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