sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
