My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
is that a dick in a sweater?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
