Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
