you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
