question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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