you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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