I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
