i love accidental penises.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
