Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
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