Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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