two words: eviction party
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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