my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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