You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
