my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Can I color on your dick again?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
