His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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