This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
