I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I need a burrito and a hug.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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