If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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