they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
