did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
