remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Randomize
