I'm gonna have a badass scar
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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