Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
