Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
