...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
