OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
