Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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