Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You are a genius and a whore.
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