If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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