i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
