i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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