I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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