Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
