So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
