Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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