High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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