Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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