how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
