Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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