i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize