i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Randomize