New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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