I think i sorta joined a cult last night
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
