and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
