Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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