I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
