god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
