She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
