I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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